What does it mean to be believed! To have someone really believe you without you having to justify any part of your story or make right someone else's story.
I can tell you what it is like to believed and not believed.
Let me start with the most painful of the two. Not being believed! What people are actually saying without saying it is- You are a liar! That the pain and trauma that you lived through, you should get over it! Sometimes if they are religious they say, you need to forgive! While really meaning get the fuck over this! You are making everyone around you uncomfortable.
Well, how can a person that has been broken in more ways than they will ever be able to count, from the moment they came into this world - get over it! They will be putting the pieces of themselves back together for the rest of their lives, so no they will not be getting over it anytime soon. And getting up in the morning is a constant reminder that they have so much more work to do. This work involves many things so many people never have to consider.
Things to consider...
You will need to do and be...
a life-time of counseling!
Which means a lot of money, even if you have insurance. That life-saving shit sure isn't free.
With your counselor and every counselor you may have to interview and the counselors you have to try and find once yours retires, graduates or maybe gets scared of your stuff (this happened to me at the beginning of my counseling journey)
Yep, more. You come into every relationship trying to figure out the right time to tell your partner/partners, casual dates even the smallest part of your story. Maybe to you, it is the most benign piece of your story, but you weigh it...Will this person freak out?! Will they feel sorry for me (gross)?! Will they try and fix me?! Will they run away?! Will they believe you?!
How much of me is too much!!!
And vulnerability with friends!!!
When, where, why? And will they stick around when so many others haven't? Will they believe you?
Should you or shouldn't you? Being in constant fear that what happened to you will happen to them. That you won't be enough to protect them or you will be too much and cripple them with your own staggering fear.
Always keeping close that you have more work to do and it isn't just work for your own health and wellness but for theirs. That they can live free of family secrets, predators, and violators! And God forbid if anything did happen to them...
You sure as shit will believe them!!!
Not to mention what trauma over time does to the physical body: teeth breaking, hair loss, night terrors, panic attacks, PTSD, crippling fear, etc.
When you have survived the deep shattering pain of violation, to be believed when it is so hard to believe in yourself is the greatest gift you can be given!
No bullshit religious excuses, just the deep unrelenting, unwavering partner, friend, sibling, or parent believing in you is a life giving gift.
In my mind, it shouldn't be that hard to give. Because believing says my love isn't conditional. My love spans your pain and holds it with you in whatever way you need. It says you are safe to sit with while they put the pieces of themselves together. And when shit gets real you will not RUN! Even if you are scared! You will not run!
The victim of violence knows about forgiveness, better than anyone. They know in order to really live they will gradually and most likely for the rest of their lives keep trying to forgive. Because forgiveness is for them! It is for their freedom! It is so they don't spend their lives carrying around the rotting corpse of their violator.
But how dare anyone tell them they have to let it go! Or the timing of their forgiveness! Or that they are not moving fast enough! Or doing it RIGHT enough! Or that it's water under the bridge! Or to get on with their lives!
That is not believing!
And there is a fundamental difference between saying you believe someone and living like you believe someone.
That brings me to being believed.
When you are believed there needn't be any explanation of why it is hard to do daily life
-Believers stay close and ask what you need.
When you are painfully putting your pieces back together
-Believers remind you who you really are!
-Believers tell you what a badass you are!
-Believers show up in the shit and stay!
-Believers give space, but won't let you push them away!
-Believers believe you!
-Believers love you when it's shitty and you are constantly scared!
-Believers remind you they have your back!
-Believers are in it for the long haul!
-Believers make mistakes and say and own their sorry's!
-Believers don't try and force you to go and to do what you can't or your not ready to do!
-Believers stay even when they are scared and the pain of your story is hard!
-Believers let you do your healing your way!
I have believers in my life. That is why I continue to heal, continue to face the pain, and continue to forgive.
It is life changing to be a believer!!!