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I'm Not Lovable

True to my word I am still talking about BEING AN ADULT.

It’s funny that whenever you start talking about something it crops up everywhere. I was in the grocery store talking to the clerk while he rang me up and all of a sudden we are talking about how life looks different than you thought it would look and being an adult.

He grew up in a small town and didn’t date anyone- because in reality there was no one to date. Moved away, met more people, eventually fell in love, and is now married.

I said I bet your teenage self thought there was something wrong with you. He said yes, and sometimes it still does. I could relate to that. Because we formed that idea of ourselves in an environment that for right or wrong communicated that to us. Even if his environment had to know idea that its size would determine who would find love and who wouldn’t.

If he perceived that everyone else was getting together and falling in love but him. Whether that was true or not. He developed a belief about himself that there was something wrong with him and maybe he wasn’t lovable.

That belief doesn’t go away easily and we can lament that if we knew then what we know now it might be different. And maybe it will for some of you reading this. You’ll say to yourself this belief about myself is messed up and I’m going to unravel it and find out where it started, reflect on its power, and see how that power affects my choices. Over time that belief and its power diminishes- POW!!! You=Amazing!!!

But as we’ve discussed before being an adult is tricky and often we believe so many things about ourselves and the world that we’ve given very little thought to how those beliefs got there.

He also said his 80-year-old grandma told him she still doesn’t know how to be an adult.

It got me thinking that... I'm RIGHT! None of know what we are doing. For the most part, we are trying very hard not to mess it up (whatever it is) and not hurt people.

But those little beliefs we have picked up along the way like my friend at the grocery store, “there’s something wrong with me” because small town meant limited options for a love connection. Small change- moving to a bigger place meant access to more people which = finding love.

What are those little beliefs you believe?

You’re not enough

You’re stupid

No one will love you

You are a mess

You are broken

You are too much

You’re needy

You are ugly

You are used goods

You are broken

You’re not worthy of love

Challenge where those beliefs come from! Ask the thought what it’s purpose is, what is that thought trying to protect you from? Such as, if I believe I’m not enough (which I often do) then that thought potentially has the power to keep me from taking risks in my job, in friendships, in love, in life. It stops me risking. It has the power to define me and become a self-fulfilling prophecy. It also decides who I am and what I’m worth instead of me deciding that and taking risks that help me live more fully into who I am.

Is this easy?

No. But the thing is, what is?

We have to start by looking at that belief. Maybe that’s all we can do for a week is be willing to notice it.

Next, we sit with it a bit. By sitting with it I am suggesting that we just get comfortable with not medicating it away, reacting to it, yelling at it, etc. but we just get comfortable with not doing anything.

Then we begin a conversation with this belief- written down or just an ongoing back and forth in your mind.

It might look something like this- “I’m not enough where do you come from”? “What are you protecting me from”? “Do you have any value”?

Let it answer. It might have something to tell you which could surprise you.

Me: “I’m not enough, where do you come from”?

Belief: “I come from all those times you risked in love with your family and felt rejected”

Me: “What are you protecting me from”?

Belief: “I keep you from getting hurt over and over. But I also keep you from loving fully. That’s the problem with hiding in me and not venturing out and using me more like a guide. When you let me guide you I tell you when something isn’t right. I can be a guide that lets you know when a relationship isn’t healthy. A guide that needs you to remember my opposite YOU ARE ENOUGH”.

I have been doing this work for over 10 years with the Intensive Journaling workshops I teach. Sometimes the conversation comes quick and you realize the belief can help you and at other times the revelations about where something originates are painful and take time.

The secret is in the exploration. Don’t rush yourself! Be willing to get to know the beliefs, thoughts, and areas that could give you greater insights about the beautiful person you ARE.

Keeping and open mind and remembering - you are learning.



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