Often the first thought for me is - I am unlovable.
I hate that this is still a message I receive even after all the work I’ve done but it’s there. Not as blatant and unrelenting as it used to be but there all the same.
I‘ve done a lot of work over the years and this has helped me be able to quickly call bullshit on myself and work myself out of the unloved message. But that doesn’t mean it‘s not exhausting and that it doesn’t leave me feeling fragile.
One thing I’m noticing is that this message is especially prevalent right after I do something hard or brave or vulnerable. It’s like a knee jerk reaction that is still attached to my DNA. And it’s screaming - nothing you do or ever will do will be enough. Because for the child inside me the message was crystal clear (at least for this Enneagram 2)
No matter how much I help
Make myself want less
Shore up the sensitivity
Do it all right
I am still not worth loving
So, I pull apart those DNA strands and do the work of giving myself new healthy messages. Without the work I couldn’t do that.
So for this, I am can be grateful!
Doing the work, works. Do I wish the message would go away? Hell yes!
Is it exhausting to still go there? Yes!
Do I want my first thought to be I love you? Yes!!!!
So I keep restructuring that original DNA into something that looks more like love.
And the reminder of
my value
my worth
my love ability
So since last Friday when I got the unlovable slap I’ve been saying this mantra to myself
I love you
I love you
I love you
And little by little
Second by second
Day by day it’s working
And if you- like me have some suspect DNA. My hope is that it works for you as well. That you can hold on to your real value and not what some wounded wounder said your value was.
Love,
Angie
PS
There is this little voice inside me that wants me to be embarrassed of my vulnerability and I will not do it and I hope you won’t either. That voice can go Fuck Itself!