Why do we hold onto what doesn't serve us anymore?
From clothes that are worn out, don't fit, or we just don't like anymore; to the clutter of - trinkets, tchotchkes, old cards, books (such a hard one for me), broken items we think we will get fixed someday; and the self-protection patterns, safeties, people, coping mechanisms that stopped working or loving us years ago.
I'm a firm believer of not changing the things that are working - why buy trouble, right? And I'm not talking about the fads that get people to rid themselves of stuff - I'm trying not to have a judgment around what works for you and me. But frankly, I do get a bit sick of all the things that are supposed to bring me joy but really distract me from the internal work I could be doing, which will ultimately bring me the biggest JOY!
So I've been looking at the stuff that doesn't serve. I've had a bag of vintage slips I used to wear that have been in my closet for about 5 years. They were put there after a deep clean and I thought I would save them because who knows if I will ever find that navy blue slip again with the unusual pleated lace and in all honesty I like a vintage find that no one else has.
I have books that I love, and most I will keep because I LOVE BOOKS! Also, because I'm dyslexic and it took me so long to learn to read as I child, there is still a child inside of me that is screaming HELL YES, I CAN READ! And HELL YES, I READ - fill in the blank for the most complicated title you can think of.
I think we all have a child/pre-teen/teen inside us saying I am worth loving? I am worth loving! I am worth loving. And that person needs what they need. They need what they need to feel safe. They need what they need to affirm they are loved (that loving letter you sent me years ago telling me you love me - full stop! That I don't have to earn it. It’s collecting dust in my bedside table drawer but if I throw it away will it make it untrue). They need what they need to feel calm. They need what they need to feel secure. And damn it, they deserve it after all they have been through! But...
They also deserve what really works. What sustains when the money is tight and they can feel that old panic of poverty creeping in and whispering that they will starve alone in the dark because the power and water have been shut off and the food stamps have run out. And they know what they know because those are the early memories ingrained in them.
They deserve what really sustains. Real unconditional love over the warm body next to them. A love that says- You are enough! You don't have to try so hard! I got this one, you can take a break! The love that isn't conditional based only on what you do for me, love that is a muscle that grows stronger, carries more weight, endures, as you use it!
In the space between the ribs and the heart muscle, there is a space that is always longing to be filled even if that filling is done by people that take, abuse, cheat, lie, and leave us. It is a place of true starvation that will eat and eat and eat until there is nothing left to fill it. But this little space between the ribs and the heart is a sacred space of true knowing, true believing, and true self-love. When we speak lovingly to that space, when we give it what it needs, when we seek to understand it, and invite it to be filled in other ways then it isn't starving anymore.
Yes, that sacred space can be a bit of a bugger, forgetting who it is now and again. Forgetting that it's loved, but because you have been loving it and giving it what it needs it comes back to itself. And the more you do this the quicker you and your sacred space remember who you really are. Muscle memory can be a beautiful thing!
So when I am clearing out the junk inside and out it is all sacred, because it served me for a while and held me in its cold arms when I needed something. Now I am older and I can give it something better I can give it something that nourishes and lasts, fills, and sustains.
That sacred space and you are worth it.